


I'm not a Monster

by MALLR4TS



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Feelings, Redemption, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MALLR4TS/pseuds/MALLR4TS
Summary: After being rejected yet again, Micah wonders off to the outskirts of camp. His mind wanders, and he questions if he really is as bad as people make him out to be.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	I'm not a Monster

**Author's Note:**

> you know that camp interaction where Micah asks Mary-Beth to dance, and she rejects him? that line Micah says, 'im not a monster', just hits me right in the feels every time. So this is just some rambling of Micahs thoughts after that event happens.
> 
> Twitter and Tumblr are @MALLR4TS

"I ain't a monster, Miss," Micah tells her, but it's obvious from her body expression and the frown on her face that she isn't interested. 

Whatever. Micah moves on. This isn't the first time he's dealt with rejection, but something feels different today. He feels off. For the first time in a long time, Micah feels hurt, but it's not Mary-Beth's fault. She hasn't done anything wrong, she's just been honest with him and Micah can't fault her for that. He isn't like those men that won't take no for an answer; Micah knows when he's not wanted, and he's not going to force approval from anybody. That just isn't his style. 

Micah wanders to the outskirts of camp, a common place for him to linger. He's far enough to be isolated, but not so far that he doesn't feel left out. It doesn't matter anyway, the camp doesn't want him there and he knows that. Micah knows what people say about him, how they feel about him. Yes, Micah's done far too many bad things to never be considered for a redemption arc, but every time he attempts to change, people shut him down before he can even move a muscle. 

He is a monster, isn't he? Micah Bell, the man who first made the newspapers at aged 17, alongside his father and brother. He kept that scrap of newspaper for so many years, only recently discarding it back at his little camp near Strawberry after an embarrassing breakdown. Micah hates guilty emotions, he hates anything that makes him feel like lesser than himself, and he'll do whatever he can to bury those emotions deep enough so that they'll never see the light of day again. 

He'd spent the night clearing out out Baylock's saddlebags and his coat pockets when he found the piece of paper again. Normally when he reads it, a smile comes to his face, but it didn't this time. Micah had recently tried reaching out to his brother, to try and rekindle those flames but Amos put that spark out fast. His letter back to Micah was harsh, but Micah understood why. He's not surprised that Amos rejected him, Micah would reject himself too if given the chance.

Wouldn't he? 

Micah sighs as he leans against the tree, looking out over the dip of water that surrounded Clemens Point. Would he reject himself? If another Micah was stood before him, would he really bring harm to himself? Is he really that bad?  
Micah knows the answer simply because he's debating about it. He doesn't quite hate himself, a little less than that. He has pride over the chaos he creates and the bounty over his head, but when it comes down to self-acceptance, Micah just can't accept himself. 

He truly is his own father's creation, Micah Bell the third. His father and his grandfather were just as ungodly and feral as he is, but Micah's yet to become the worst. He's had his fair share of murders and robberies, but he's still young, and his kill count is still far less than his ancestors. 

Maybe there is still time for a redemption arc. Maybe Micah will take Amos's letter as a wake-up call to finally change himself. Sure, he's going to miss the adrenaline rush that he gets when he kills another man, and his index fingers will continue to twitch as he misses that high he gets when he pulls the trigger, but maybe a life within civilization isn't that bad. Amos can do it, so why can't he? 

Would Micah really be happy though? A well-dressed, clean, and friendly Micah, holding down a normal job within the walls of Saint Denis so he can feed his children and wife. Micah pulls a face at the thought of it; that just isn't him.   
He's always wanted a family, just like most men do, and he's tried over and over but the rejection continues to come, just like tonight. For God's sake, he can't even get a woman to dance with him, let alone take his surname and bear his children. He's hopeless.

"Pull yourself together," Micah tells himself as his bottom lip begins to shake. He refuses to let those lesser emotions get the better of him, especially not over a damn woman. He refuses to cry for anybody, even himself. There's nothing worse than allowing another person to have control over your emotions, and if Micah Bell isn't in control of himself at all times, then he isn't Micah Bell. 

He's said it before and he'll say it again, but if any man allows a woman to tell them what to do and how to feel, then they're no man at all. His father taught him that from day one, and although Amos has rejected that out-dated way of thinking, Micah won't. Micah can't, simply because he's never been given the chance.

Maybe one day Micah will come across a woman that leaves him so breathless and turns him into mush, that without realizing it, all his father's teachings go out the window and he simply becomes putty in her hands. Micah won't admit it, not even to himself, but he longs for that. He longs for a woman to break down his walls and build bridges instead, he longs for a woman that will give him the time of day, a woman that looks at him with warm and lustful eyes rather than a scowl on her face.

But Micah will never get that. He knows this. He's only on this earth because his father knocked up a prostitute. He knows that men like himself and his father will never find somebody to truely love them, no woman is attracted to chaos. Women like tender things, like flowers and walks in the park. Don't they? Micah isn't too sure because he's never had a conversation with a woman for long enough to even realize what that other sex is really like. The closest he's ever got to anything even remotely loving was a gentle kiss that some prostitute placed on his cheek after he finished his round with her. 

Ugh. Fuck. Micah waves his hand, dismissing those thoughts. He's disappointed in himself for allowing his mind to trail off on those forbidden subjects: women and feelings. 

"Just give up," Micah tells himself. Women don't want him, they'll never want him. The camp doesn't want him, regardless of how many times he's tried to be kind to them. The only person who actually tolerates him is Dutch, he's the only one out of the lot that'll actually speak to him in the first place. He's tried to get along with Dutch's closest members, Arthur and Hosea, but oh god, they shot him down before Micah could even open his mouth. 

Is he really that bad? What is it about him that puts people off? Sure, he doesn't take much care of his appearance other than shaping his facial hair and having a wash every once in a while, but there was clearly something about his aura that screamed 'stay away' to everybody, without Micah intending it to. 

He only hangs around this lot because it's safer for wolves to roam in packs. It also means Micah has gunmen to spare, he doesn't have to do chores because the women and the other rejects do that for him, and there's guaranteed income because Dutch is as money hungry as he is. Micah's been itching to start his own gang for a while now, and he plans to do so when the time is right. Cleet and Joe are down for it, they just need to plan it properly and find a few lost souls to drag into his posse with the false promise of redemption and security. Dutch does it well, and Micah's already began picking up on how he does it so he can repeat that pattern himself one day.

The fact that Micah is already planning to start his own gang clearly shows that he's past the point of saving. He's a bad man, but Micah's never considered himself a monster, regardless of what other people say. Folk are harsh and judge without knowing the facts first, and Micah is sure that if they knew his back story, then they'd know that he's not a monster. He's just a man who was never taught right from wrong. No, he was taught right from wrong, but his father taught everything back to front. 

Micah sighs once more. Why is he thinking about all this? Why has he allowed these thoughts to cross his mind, all because some woman rejected him? Fuck sake. 

So be it. Every single person he ever come across think Micahs a monster without even getting to know him. Folk are harsh, and the world is even harsher. It's kill or be killed, and you can either win or lose within this game called life. There's not a single soul out there that'll give Micah the time of day, so why does he bother with dreaming about his own redemption arc so often? 

Micah gives up. He's not a good man, he'll never be a good man. He'll be exactly what his father taught him to be, and even worse. Everybody makes Micah out to be eviler than he is, so what's the point in trying to make people see that he's really not that bad? 

If it's a monster they want, then it's a monster they'll get.


End file.
